Abergavenny man claims he’s met someone from the future!

AN Abergavenny man has made the outlandish claim that he met a person at this year’s Green Man Festival who hailed from another place and time.

“I’m not just talking about somewhere in North Wales either!” Explained Johnny Turnip. “This dude wasn’t from Bangor or some other desolate backwater; he was from the future and an actual time-traveller. Not the sort of man you meet every day that’s for sure.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that they met the real-life time lord after he and the boys had gatecrashed the Green Man with some moody wristbands.

“We used wristbands from 2024 that Julius Geezer had sold us for £1.99 each to get in.” He said.

“It was a dawdle getting past the high-vis crew on the gate. They’re not real security, just volunteers working for the price of a ticket, so they’ve got no real skin in the game. We just walked up to them doing old school rave dancing like we were off our heads and they didn’t really bother to check our wristbands too closely because they were obviously in awe of our moves.”

Turnip added that once inside, they headed to the Far Out tent where Puerto Rico Paul began lecturing some Gen Z types about the history of the Glanusk site.

He explained, “They were just trying to have a pint in peace on a nearby picnic bench when Paul began hectoring them.

“He started pontificating that they should appreciate the Green Man was built on the blood and misery of our ancestors who were living eight to a room in run-down terraced slums while the greedhead iron masters got rich on child slavery and the mass exploitation of the working class.

“‘Take it easy, Paul!’ I said. ‘You always said you were Paul McCartney’s bastard. So how does that work?’

“‘My dad may be a Beatle, JT!’ He replied. ‘But he’s never acknowledged me, and I’ve never received or asked for a penny. I’m talking about my mother’s side of the family from Merthyr who worked at Cyfarthfa Ironworks under the twin tyrants Richard and William Crawshay.’

“‘Fair enough Paul!” I said. ‘But what’s that got to do with the Green Man? It’s just people having a laugh in the sun.’

“‘On a site that was built with Crawshay money! Joe Bailey, who used to own this manor was the nephew of Richard Crawshay who taught him everything he knew about getting rich through other people’s misery.’

“‘To be fair!’ Interjected Big Tony. Who already had a sort of boozy belligerence about him that I’d need to keep an eye on. ‘Didn’t he also give us Bailey Park as well?’

“‘That was Crawshay Bailey the younger, you big oaf. And he sold the land. It wasn’t given. These were members of the very family that tried to quell the Chartist uprising, deny us the vote, and keep us down the pits for a pittance.’

“‘And now their old garden is a place to hang out and drink. What’s wrong with that Paul?’ Asked Big Tony, who was genuinely baffled.’

“‘If you can’t see then I can’t show Tone!’ Said Paul in a huff as the nervous Gen Zers made their excuses and quickly fled the scene.

“‘Now look what you’ve done Paul!’ I shouted. ‘All your angry political posturing has frightened off our new friends. I was about to ask them to buy us a drink, and now you’ve ruined that. So take a chill pill and relax dude. We’re here to find a potential investor for our remake of Star Wars, not lecture people on the past. Let it be, Paul, as your dad would say.’

“‘Ok JT!’ He said. ‘I’ve just got a strong sense of injustice that’s all. Get the pints in and let’s have a toast to the glory of John Frost and the boys.’”

Turnip explained that as the drinks flowed they soon got into the spirit of things and next thing they knew, they were dancing along to a band that was “singing about crisps and looked like Lewis Capaldi’s younger brothers from the family chip shop.”

“Get Up Servers! I think they were called.” Said Turnip. “They were a couple of fat lads who couldn’t believe their luck.They sounded like they had a couple of decent tunes, but we were on the wrong side of a 15-pint session at that stage, so they could have been absolutely awful.”

Turnip added, “After we had a couple of spins on the Ferris wheel, we took a mosey down to the Mountain Stage where a bunch of old men called Wilco were boring everyone senseless with some really crap music.

“‘Well this is thoroughly depressing!’ I said. ‘Let’s go get another drink and have a wander.’

Turnip told the Chronicle that as they wandered, whiskey in hand, lonely as clouds beneath the stars, and admiring the ancient trees, he couldn’t help but muse on the nature of infinity.

“I’ve always been of the poetic bent.” Said Turnip. “Particularly at night in the great outdoors. And as we walked into the shadows and into a part of the Glanusk site that was mostly deserted, I couldn’t help but ponder on my significance in the universe and the role I had played and had yet to play in world history. It was quite overwhelming. I almost felt like crying but decided to stop and have a fag with the boys under a huge, gnarled and old oak instead.”

Turnip said, “As we puffed and waited for the alcohol to wear off a bit so we could speak in something loosely resembling an articulate manner again, a huge raven appeared out of nowhere on the branches of the tree and after starring at us for a while as if it couldn’t make up its mind wether to eat or kill us, it squawked furiously a few times before flying off. And it was strange because it sounded like it was saying ’nevermore.’

“‘Well, that was weird!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul.

“‘No sh*t Sherlock!’ I said, and then the stranger from another time and place appeared, and things got a lot weirder.”