Digital detoxes are often just the thing if you want to stand out from the herd, and have something to brag about on social media. However, one Abergavenny man has stressed that he has smashed his smartphone and wiped his digital footprint clean because his very survival depended upon it.

“I’ve never been into TikTok or Facebook because I’m not mentally ill!” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“So giving up the socials wasn’t really a thing. But I did use my phone a lot for online betting, selling moody gear on eBay, watching Netflix and trolling people on The Daily Mail website. So, it’s a bit of a headache to give all that up.

"Yet after we busted out of Hangar 18, my mate Tyke, who the world knows as Tom Cruise, said if we’re to stop the singularity from tracking us while we hunt for Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold, we need to go completely tech-free!”

Turnip explained that after the lights suddenly went out while they were locked in a cage in Hangar 18, they feared the worst.

“As we stood silent and stoic in the dark, we were all expecting the gothic AI clown Peter Paleface to return and chop off our heads. But, no sooner had the lights gone out than they flickered back into life again. And at the same time, the cage door, which was electronically controlled, unlocked itself.

“Tyke wasted no time and quickly shouted, ‘On me!’ As he led us out of the cage.

“As we ran like gaming avatars in Call of Duty past the corpse of the beheaded leprechaun and the piles of dead extraterrestrials that had been savagely experimented on by men in white coats, Tyke explained that because like all AI, Peter Paleface had been using a ton load of electricity to personify himself in the form of a clown, the surge in demand had been too much for the grid and there had been a power cut.

“‘This is our window of opportunity, guys!’ Screamed Tyke. There’s no way that Paleface can generate enough energy in time to take a physical form and stop us from busting out of here!’

“‘The clown may not! But those guys might have something to say about it!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul as he pointed up ahead to the three dudes in balaclavas who were hanging about by the entry doors to Hangar 18 and pointing guns in our general direction.

“‘Leave this to me!’ Snapped Tyke, as he slowed his run to a confident and cheery strut.

“Thinking that Tyke was going to take those chumps out with some serious last Hollywood action hero moves, he just waved at them weirdly and said, ‘These are not the droids you are looking for!’

“To my shock, the head balaclava guy looked at the others and said, ‘These are not the droids we are looking for!’ And then all three just simply walked away.

“‘How the hell did you do that Tyke?’ I asked.

“He just winked at me and said, ‘When you’ve spent as much time in Vegas with Penn and Teller as I have, you learn a thing or two about a thing or two!'

“‘Outstanding marine!’ I replied. “But before I could grill Tyke further about his hypnotism tricks or if David Blaine was available for one-to-one magic lessons, he just turned on the Mission Impossible theme music on the portable Bluetooth speaker he carries everywhere with him and shouted, ‘On my lead, boys! My Black Hawk is just over there. I’m going to make a run for it. Once I’m in the cockpit and reassured it’s fully functional, I’ll give you the thumbs up, and you come running. I’ll be able to provide you with cover fire if needed. So on my word, go!’”

Turnip told the Chronicle that as Tyke ran towards the chopper with a little more drama that was strictly required, he jumped in, started the engine, the blades started spinning, and he gave the boys the thumbs up.

Turnip added, “When we broke cover, it felt epic, like we were in the A-Team or something. Tyke had channeled his bluetooth through the speaker thing he had mounted on the roof of the chopper, and with the Mission Impossible theme blasting out we felt untouchable.

“As we boarded the chopper, Tyke gave us all a high five and one of those award-winning smiles. As we took to the skies and to freedom. All thoughts of headless leprechauns, decomposing aliens, and creepy AI clowns who want to enslave humanity were forgotten. For the briefest of moments, we were just a gang of good-looking and witty heroes saving the world one day at a time.

“Yet feeling like gods amongst men didn’t last long. We were soon brought back to Earth with a bump when we realised we had no beers to celebrate properly.

"Things got a lot worse when Cruise said, ‘Ok guys. I think we’re at a safe distance. But before we reach Hollywood you need to throw all your phones out of the window, and we’re going to have to land this chopper and make our way on foot from here on in.'"

Turnip explained, “Looking at the miles of Mojave desert sands that surrounded us in all directions, none of us could quite believe what Tyke was suggesting.

“Big Tony spoke for us all when he said, ‘You’re having a laugh fella! You were supposed to take us to Hollywood in this thing, and that’s exactly where we’re going. I’ve spent all day in a cage, tonight I want to stay somewhere expensive that has a lot of silk, satin, and meals I can’t pronounce.  

“‘Here! Here!’ I added. ‘We’re not animals Tyke. You can’t expect us to trudge through the desert like pack ponies when we’ve got a military grade chopper at our disposal.’

“‘Don’t you guys get it!’ Fumed Tyke. ‘This chopper is a highly computerised piece of kit. As are your phones. That singularity clown creep back there can use it to track us, and then use its power to its own advantage and end us! From here on in we’ve all got to go on a no quarter given and no quarter asked digital detox. It’s our only hope of staying alive long enough to find the pot and save the world. We’re humanity’s last hope JT. Throw away your phone and we might just have a chance.’”

Turnip explained, “As I retrieved my phone from my pocket, and felt its reassuring weight and shape, I thought of the accessibility, reach, innovation, and technological breakthrough it symbolised, and its god-like ability to let me order a takeaway without talking to an actual person. Yet I realised out there in the wilderness where the old gods roamed and the ghosts of centuries howled it counted for nothing. I had no signal and no 4G! What good was the bloody thing anyway? Tossing it like a brick from the chopper felt surprisingly liberating, like I was a ghost who had freed itself from its ball and chain and was made flesh and blood again.

“‘Attaboy!’ Said Tyke as he followed suit. Big Tony just shrugged his shoulders and tossed his old school Nokia in the same direction. The smartphone craze has passed him by.

“Puerto Rico Paul was the only reluctant one among us. But after a stern look from Big Tony, he reached into his man bag, took out the phone, and hurled it out into the empty skies.

“Tyke smiled approvingly and said, ‘We’ve taken our first step on a long road.’ Said Tyke, ‘The revolution starts now!’”

To be continued….