AN Abergavenny man who said he walked for four days and nights in the sands of the Mojave Desert, claims the experience awoke something in him that had lain dormant for years.

“I didn’t really realise I was lost until I finally found myself!” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“Like most people, I’ve never wandered directionless and hopeless in a desert before. My parents once abandoned me on Barry Island beach as a toddler when they disappeared to the pub, but even that doesn’t come close to the spiritual awakening I experienced in the vast and infinite sweep of those Californian sands.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that he and the boys found themselves in the wilderness after Tom Cruise insisted they needed to throw away their phones, abandon the Black Hawk, and travel the rest of the way to Hollywood on foot if they wanted to evade the AI predator that was on their trail.

“It was a bit of a bind to throw away the phones at first, but then I remembered what life was before those devices possessed and diminished us, and it felt liberating,” explained Turnip.

“At first, as we trudged through the hellish heat and hostile terrain, we felt like Lawrence of Arabia and his camels. We were men on a mission to find a pot of fairy gold, bring back magic to the world, and save it from being dragged into an abyss of digital despair by artificial intelligence.

“However, after six hours of stumbling in no real direction and feeling quite dizzy, we were beginning to feel lost and forsaken in a world of blue and yellow. I don’t know how many of your readers have ever been in an extreme survival event before, but after awhile it begins to take its toll. The fatigue, hunger, and thirst kicks in, tempers became a little frayed and spirits began to sink.”

Turnip added, “We soon realised in our gusto to abandon the chopper, go digital free, and prove how much smarter we were than AI, that we had neglected to take account of the basics.

“We were wandering like heroic nomads in the wilderness, but we had failed to think about how we would survive the trek to Hollywood.

“I’d hoped that Tom Cruise, who’d been in situations like this in the movies, would have some of plan, but he was just as clueless as the rest of us. Puerto Rico, Paul was the only one with the bag, and that was a man bag.

“We did a stock check of all we had in way of provisions. It was pretty grim. We had a bottle of sparkling water, a packet of crisps, a suspicious-looking boiled egg wrapped in clingfilm, and an out-of-date box of paracetamol.

“As we sat down to our meagre banquet, we felt less like four wise kings, but more like a gang of idiots. We needed to work out how to get from here to there, or where ‘here’ even was.

“Through a mouthful of egg that no one else would eat because we believed it to be rotten, Big Tony said, ‘We could always use the stars!’

“‘What?’ Snarled Puerto Rico Paul.

“‘The stars!’ Said Tone through breathless gulps of salmonella, we can use them to navigate our way, you know, like our ancestors did.’

“‘Our ancestors!’ Asked an incredulous Paul, as Big Tony mutely nodded.

“‘Was this before or after they were down the mine shaft?’ Added Paul unhelpfully.

“‘Guys! Guys!’ Said Tyke, trying to diffuse the potential punch-up that was brewing. ‘We don’t need the stars. We just need to keep heading west and we’ll arrive at our destination.’

“‘Which way is west?’ Asked Paul

“‘The sun sets in the west. The west is the best. Get here and we’ll do the rest!’ Said Tyke with a glint in his eye as he pointed to the big ball of fire that was disappearing over the horizon and making everything look like a photoshoot for a fashion mag.

“As we gazed collectively at the burning orb that men used to fall to their knees and worship, I pondered that because the sun is technically a star and we were using it to guide our way, Big Tony was actually right in his primitive assumptions all along.

“Before I could congratulate the big oaf on his lateral thinking, my train of thought was suddenly derailed by Puerto Rico Paul screaming, ‘I can’t spend the night out here. There are cactuses, snakes, coyotes, and Christ knows what!’

“Tyke then added mischievously, ‘There’s also peyote!’

“‘Peyote!’ We all said like a murmured prayer.

“Growing up on substandard hallucinogens, we had often heard stories from the older boys about the power of peyote and its psychoactive compound mescaline.

“Back in the day, Head Rot Roger claimed he tripped on nothing but peyote, but we knew that was a lie. He was just a magic mushroom gobbler who had swallowed his own fantasies.

“Yet here we were a long way from home, lost and forsaken in the desert, with peyote within reach. Or at least according to Tyke.”

“‘Where do we find this peyote?’ Asked Puerto Rico Paul, barely able to control his excitement. All thoughts of dehydration, starvation, and having his rotting corpse picked clean by vultures had obviously been displaced by the though of experiencing a maximum high!’

“‘We don’t need to!’ Announced Tyke as he held out his hand. ‘Here’s some I prepared earlier!’

“As we all gazed in awe at his outstretched palm and the four, what looked like protein balls that were sitting there, Big Tony spoke for us all when he said, ‘How did you know to bring such provisions?’

“‘I didn’t. I just always carry some spare peyote around with me in case of emergencies!’ Said Tyke, before adding, ‘We’ll neck these bad boys and use our altered perceptions of reality, and subsequent spiritual and philosophical insights to dig ourselves out of this hole we’ve found ourselves in.’

“Getting into the spirit of things, Puerto Rico Paul roared, ‘Hell yeah! Who needs SatNav when you’ve got premium quality psychedelics!

“‘What match is AI for a mind afloat in a sea of peyote?” I screamed as we greedily snatched the drugs from Tyke’s hand and gobbled them up like fat kids at a sleepover who’ve just found the box of Quality Street that was being hidden for Christmas.

“Adrenalised by the very act of taking drugs, we began walking into the shadow of the setting sun. We were far from high, but we were getting there. When the peyote finally kicked in I lost myself and finally found myself again, thanks to a chance encounter with the Lizard King!”

To be continued…..