A MARDY man has claimed he has “put the frighteners on a secret organisation who were threatening the future of the town with a terrible development.”

“They wanted to turn old mother Aber into a theme park for tourists and use that as a blueprint to take over the world but me and the boys put an end to that,” explained semi-professional long-distance runner Johnny Turnip. “This town ain't changing on our watch!”

Following his fantastical forays into the Abergavenny tunnels, Turnip explained that alongside his two friends, he was captured by the “men in beige” when re-entering Aber through a manhole in Cross Street.

“About 12 men in beige suits frogmarched us back to the castle and tried to force us to reveal the entrance to the tunnels because they knew if they harnessed the power of the fairy realms, nothing in this dimension could curb their evil intent,” explained Turnip.

“Fortunately they didn’t bank on Fast Eddie turning up!”

Turnip revealed, “Just as all seemed lost and we were about to make our last stand and go down fighting, he arrived on the scene like the cavalry. He was dressed like Clint Eastwood’s ‘Man with No Name.’ Apparently, he was on his way home from a Tarts and Vicars fancy dress party but Fast Eddie likes to do things outside of the box and so went dressed as a cowboy.

“He saw there was a bit of a ruckus going on and he jumped at the chance to get involved. You could see the joy written all over his face when he saw some of his homeboys were being messed around by a tribe of corporate types. Fast Eddie's only about four foot ten but he can’t half have a row. In primary school, we used to call him the Imp because he had a habit of climbing to the roofs of buildings and jumping on teachers’ backs from the sky while screaming like a little monkey. Crazy days!”

Turnip added, “Fast Eddie is not a man to be messed with. Rumour has it that he once single-handedly took on Boomer Bill and the Bakewell cake squad and was the only man to leave the wine bar standing.

“Boomer Bill and his boys may have been in their late sixties and plagued with an abundance of hip and knee problems but when those salmon red trouser-wearing hooligans used to come at you swinging golf clubs it was no joke!”

Turnip added, “Anyhow, when Fast Eddie came to our rescue he took a long drag of his cigar, narrowed his eyes, and drawled, ‘Is there a problem here fellas.’ One of the men in beige looked at Fast Eddie like he’d just escaped from a traveling freak show and snarled, ‘Oh look everyone, it’s a deranged munchkin who has wandered too far from the yellow brick road.’ Big mistake! As quick as a flash, Fast Eddie jumped up and head-butted the geezer.

“Big Tony roared like he was back on the Ninian Park terraces, and screamed, ‘Let’s have it!’ Before anyone knew what was happening six of our suited and booted oppressors were on the pavement and the remainder were looking at us like cattle waiting for the cull. As they fled, Puerto Rico Paul shouted, ‘Go on! Get back to your ice cream van your tools! This town and its tunnels are ours!’

“Their leader, Mr. Citizen, turned around and shrieked, ‘Enjoy the victory fools! The battle is yours but the war is ours! Our name is legion and we are many.’

“I just stuck my fingers up as they left and said, ‘Yeah right! And the first bird to fly gets all the arrows!’ I’m not sure what it meant but it sounded good, and it’s important to say something philosophical when you’ve just bested your enemies. Besides which it had been a long day and none of us were thinking straight.”

Turnip explained they told Fast Eddie about their “quest to trap and tame a fairy” and how it had accidentally led them to Abergavenny’s secret tunnel network.

“Fast Eddie found it all very easy to believe because he’s got an open mind like us” explained Turnip. “However, he was a bit upset about the thought of Manny from the estate being left alone down there as the watcher between realms. His first reaction was to go into a violent rage and scream something about getting his shovel and pick to dig his old friend out.

“He worked himself into such a state that Big Tony had no choice but to pick him up put him in a bear hug and sing ‘Wonderwall’ to him until he calmed down.”

Turnip said, “Fast Eddie soon grew to respect his old friend Manny’s choice and said tearfully that it was a bit like when Iron Man sacrificed himself to save the world. What can I say? Men say strange things when they’re grieving.

“We even humoured him when he said that if we were The Avengers, Big Tony would be Thor, Puerto Rico Paul would be Hawk-eye, I would be Captain America and he would be the Hulk. Yet after a while it all seemed a bit childish and I snapped, ‘For Christ’s sake Eddie. Grow up! We’ve just saved the fairy realms from a secret organisation. We’re in no mood for playing let’s pretend!”

Turnip added, “As we stood there bruised and battered and watched the dawn break, our hearts were heavy and our minds broken, but our souls soared with possibility and the promise of a cold lager.

The Magnificent Seven
(The Magnificent Seven! Public Domain )

“As we strutted back to my flat our shadows were silhouetted by the rising sun and we probably looked a bit like the Magnificent Seven, except there were only four of us. Puerto Rico Paul slowly began chanting Underworld’s ‘Born Slippy’ but not the girly bit, just the segment where he sings ‘Shouting lager, lager, lager!’ And as we all sang, we held hands and skipped like newborn lambs into the great unknown together.”