THE meaning of life, the question of consciousness, the origin of the universe, the mystery of dark matter, the principles of energy, frequency, and vibration, and the nature of time itself have long been pondered over by great minds throughout history.

The likes of Plato, Galileo, Descartes, Dee, Newton, Tesla, Einstein, Jung, and Hawking have all contributed to our understanding of the cosmos and our role within it. But very shortly, you might be able to add a new name to that esteemed list - Turnip!

The semi-professional paranormal investigator from Abergavenny believes that he is closer to unlocking the grand secret of the universe than anyone else in history, and as he’s quick to add, “Not bad for someone who left school at 16, hey?”

Abergavenny man Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle that, contrary to popular belief, there is one overriding secret to the universe that will explain everything from black holes and background radiation, to the existence of extraterrestrials and life after death. There is however, a caveat.

He warns that unlocking the secret will drive you insane, and thus you will not be able to articulate your findings to the wider world or use your wisdom to help humanity as a whole.

However, he plans to navigate this nagging problem when the time comes.

“Obviously, there’s no point being the wisest man in the room if you’ve also got a reputation as being a mad bastard,” explained Turnip.

“However, fortune favours the brave, and if there’s some sort of loophole I can exploit to gain universal understanding and supreme intelligence, you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll find it!”

Turnip explained that it was during a chat with the ghost of John Lennon that he found out about what he calls “the fastback method to unlocking the secret of the universe.”

“During our chat, Lennon told me that he met some hustler in a London nightclub at the tail-end of 1969, who called himself Puck! Anyhow, this Puck character was trying to sell Lennon what he swore was a pot of real fairy gold that he’s stolen from some connected rich dudes in Hollywood,” Said Turnip.

“Lennon told me, ‘Back then, Johnny, it was a beautiful time but a crazy time. Our minds were all over the place. We were open to believing most things, and when this guy told me he had a pot of fairy gold for sale, naturally, I was intrigued. But the asking price was too high. He wanted at least three million for it. He gave me this spiel that in the right hands, this gold could heal the world. But, you know, I also thought fairy gold was fool’s gold and felt at the time it was nothing more than a nice piece of conceptual art.

“‘I said I’d go no higher than a few grand, because at the end of the day, it was a great idea, but the actual product was just an ordinary, nondescript jar with what looked like sand in it. This Puck guy wasn’t having it; he just started ranting, ‘Call yourself an artist! You know the cost of everything and the value of nothing! You pretend you want change. Well, real change comes at a price, and it seems to this Puck that you are reluctant to pay!’

“‘Well, being a Beatle, I wasn’t used to being talked to like that, and told the guy to go Puck himself!

“‘He didn’t like that, I can tell you. He started stamping his feet, pointing at me, and spitting curses. I couldn’t make head or tail of most of it, but he did mention sometime about if no one else will accept the burden of the gold, there is always the Lizard King!’

“‘Like I said, it was the sixties and people were always breaking down and saying pretentious things. Everyone’s acid intake had gotten way out of hand by then. And so after he left the club, I didn’t think any more of it. Until one night at the Rainbow in LA during what the papers took to calling my ‘lost weekend,’ I got to talking to this guy who was a loose associate of Harry Nilsson.

“‘Anyhow, this guy was heavily into the occult, we all were back then, I suppose. The seventies were a dark time, all hard drugs and ritual magic. But this guy, I forgot his name, really knew his stuff. He stared talking about the death a few years earlier of Doors singer Jim Morrison and started muttering how it was the pot that was to blame.

“‘Taking him at face value,’ I said, ‘Don’t be soft, it was the booze that killed that fella. Either that or he’d snorted some brown by mistake.’

“‘This guy just looked at me like I was a simpleton and said, ‘Pot as in pot of fairy gold! Jimbo was eating the stuff like candy towards the end. He was spending his days in Paris listening to the heartbeat of the universe and drawing near to the eternal understanding, but then the horrors swept him aside and he drank himself to death trying to keep the insanity of it all at bay.’”

Turnip said, “Lennon explained to me that as they talked, he eventually realised that the pot of fairy gold was the same one that Puck had tried to sell him, and by hook or crook it had later fallen into the hands of Jim Morrison.

“The occult specialist told Lennon that the only way to heal the world with fairy gold is to eat it and then use the eternal understanding it brings to pull humanity collectively out of the swamp.”

Turnip added, “Admittedly, it sounds great, but the only drawback is that it makes anyone who eats it insane.

“If I can find a way to get around that, though, once I get my hands on Potato Creek Johnny’s pot I’ll not just be a prince of the universe, I’ll be like a god, but a benevolent and pretty laid-back one. I’ll write my name into the history books. In fact, I’ll probably be the full stop. What could equal a Turnip who is even stronger than AI?”

The Manifest Trials And Tribulations Of Johnny Turnip is now available on Amazon.