Abergavenny man claims he will master time travel

FROM Marty McFly to Bill and Ted, we all love a good time traveller. The only thing is they don’t tend to be real.

However, one Abergavenny man claims that time travel is not only possible, but he is in the process of mastering it.

“Time travel is no different to bricklaying!” Explained Johnny Turnip. “It’s a skill like any other. You just need to take your time and master it. At least that’s what my time lord tutor Edgar Allen Poe taught me.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after bumping into the American author at the Green Man Festival, Poe agreed to teach him the mysterious ways of the time lord.

“Poe’s a bit of a mess because he’s quite literally had too much time to get messed up in. He’s travelled far and wide through the past, present and future, and is now happy to go to his death and the great beyond.

“Obviously, to do that, he has to travel back to Baltimore, October 3, 1849, and step out of this world. But before that could happen, he needed to pass on his gift.

“He called it a curse, but whatever the secret was, I needed it so I too could make time my bitch and stride like a colossus through the whole of existence.”

Turnip explained that after Poe took him to a shadowy corner in a field in Glanusk, he shared his esoteric learnings with him, and it was quite the revelation.

Turnip told the Chronicle, “Apparently you don’t need a machine to travel through time; you just need an open mind and willingness to believe in the impossible.

“Old Poe told me that his teacher, Reynolds, said before you go to sleep at night, you just repeat the following incantation, ‘I take my time. I take up time. I fill up time. I’m in time. I’m out of time. I am time.’ You then stretch out your arms like a clock, turn counter clockwise three times, and then clockwise three times, before jumping up in the air and shouting, ‘Into infinity and beyond.’

“Bizarrely enough, you then fall asleep, but before you do so, you must visualise a time and place you want to travel to, and with a bit of luck, you’ll wake up there.”

Turnip explained that Poe told him that part was a bit “hit and miss.”

“It’s not an exact science.” Said Turnip. “For example, Poe once said he was aiming for Renaissance Rome and once ended up in Barnsley in the 1980s, which was a bit of a culture shock to say the least, but it’s all grist to the mill of a seasoned time-lord. It’s like anything, all about the muscle memory. Practice makes perfect!”

Turnip added, “After Poe had finished his pep talk, it was time for him to get gone. You could tell after walking the earth for time beyond mind he was a bit misty-eyed about dying and leaving it all behind but all things come to an end, even time itself.

“Besides, you could see he was tired. The poor bastard has been carrying the weight of centuries on his back for far too long.

“In one timeline he had even died. It was time for him to chill, catch up on a few books, and let mortality take its course.

“‘Ok, old timer.’ I said while firmly grasping his hand and looking intently into his haunted and faraway eyes. ‘It’s time for you to disappear and for me to regenerate. You've been at this Doctor Who game for a long, long time. It’s time for some new blood to get a little taste of infinity.’’

Turnip added, “After looking at me with what felt like profound pity, Poe sighed and said, ‘I hope you know the myriad hells and heavens that await you, friend. Words cannot contain them in form, experience cannot embrace them in the moment, and memory cannot recall them in the aftermath. They will stretch your soul until everything is all and all is everything.’

“‘Sounds great!’ I said, silently willing the verbose bastard to shut the hell up.

“After another long sigh, Poe added, ‘Even still, I thank you for your kindness. You have lifted a great curse from my shoulders. Nevermore shall I sleep, only to wake in alien lands and alien times. Nevermore shall a sun rise and fall on bones that should have crumbled to dust many moons before. Nevermore will I have to face the degrading horrors of the world that is and the world that is to come. I can sleep, return to my fate, and finally know peace.’

“‘You got it!’ I said. Only half listening by that point. ’So, if you want to have a kip, I’ll be off. The boys are probably wondering where I’ve got to anyhow.’

“‘Before you depart. Please allow me the indulgence of one more favour.’ Said Poe.

“‘What’s that!’ I asked. Eager to get back to Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul and have a few more beers before I started planning my time-travelling odyssey.

“Will you watch over me as I fall asleep one last time.’ Asked old Poe.

“‘Sure thing!’ I said. ‘Feeling slightly sorry for the old goth but also slightly embarrassed that I had to hang around as he nodded off. I was no sad stalker. I was a time lord. But to his credit, Poe had given me a hell of a gift, and so I owed him one.”

Turnip explained that as Poe found a tree to fall asleep under far from the lights, sounds and crowds of the Green Men, he laid down and drifted off but not before he emptied the hip flask he had suddenly pulled from nowhere.

“Selfish blighter didn’t even offer me any!’ Said Turnip. ‘But I couldn’t begrudge him one last drink. He lay there and looked like a creature worn out by time, like an old dog you’d take to the vet.

“As he closed his eyes, the last thing he said to me was, ‘I’m out of time.’ And then he screamed, ‘Reynolds!’ And then the weirdest thing happened. His body was suddenly glowing with this bright light that sort of shot up into the night sky, but kind of slowly, like a cheap firework. And when I looked down, Poe was no more. His body had vanished. It was almost like the whole encounter had been a drug-induced hallucination, but obviously it wasn’t.

“I was now truly a semi-professional time traveller. I had the skills, knowledge and ambition of a competent amateur, but it was high time I turned professional!”

To be continued….