Abergavenny man claims Edgar Allen Poe was a time lord!

EDGAR Allen Poe has been described as everything from the godfather of the gothic, the maestro of the macabre, the sultan of the short story, and the drinking man’s drinker.

To the best of our knowledge, the poet who made ravens romantic has never been described as a time lord before.

Yet that’s exactly what Abergavenny man Johnny Turnip claims old Poe was and is, after swearing blind he met him at this year’s Green Man Festival.

“I’d never heard of Edgar Allen Poe before!” Explained Turnip. “But after googling him and finding a picture, the guy was obviously telling the truth. He’s got quite a weird and unusual-looking face

“Apparently in his day, he was a bit like the Stephen King of his time; the only trouble is I don’t think any of his books made good film adaptations, so he hasn’t really got a rep as such in the modern world. But he’s a historical figure alright. Which is funny, because he’s also a time lord and has lost count of how long he’s been travelling through the centuries.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “At first we thought he was a ghost, because he had this sort of haunted air about him and he referred to himself as a dead poet. And in a way he was right; he had actually died in one timeline, but in the one we encountered him in, he had gone time travelling instead.

“The more we talked to him, the more complicated it actually got. He was aware of his death because he had read up about it, and what actually happened was that he was found barely conscious in Baltimore in 1849 in strange clothes and rambling incoherently. He had been missing for a few days and was taken to hospital, where he died the following morning.

“Before he passed, he was said to repeatedly call out the name, ‘Reynolds!’ And here’s where it gets interesting: the Poe we met at Green Man explained that Reynolds was also a time lord and taught Poe how to travel through time.

“Poe surmised that perhaps at some point he had tired of all this time travelling and travelled back to his own era, but all that quantum physics took his its toll, and it obviously killed him.

“‘How are you still alive then?’ Asked Big Tony, genuinely baffled.

“‘I am not sure I am.’ Said Poe. ‘I fall asleep in one century and wake up in another, with neither agency nor purpose. That scoundrel Reynolds has cursed me with a dark art that should have remained alien to human hands.

“‘I have a terrible feeling that all this travelling through time will one day end with my death in the place and point I can never escape, but the greatest dread is that it will not end there. I will die again and again and again, but my consciousness is doomed to roam all of existence from the beginning of time until its end without rest or reason.

“’I curse the day my ambition extended the reach of what any man can bear. I have seen the birth of nations, the fall of empires, and unpicked the intricate tapestry of history but it has all been for nought. The presence of god eludes me. I have broken his law and must exist outside of his mercy.’

“As I pretended to listen his ramblings, and Puerto Rico Paul tried to stifle a yawn. Big Tony handed old Poe another drink and said, ‘Cheer up. It’s not that bad. We’ve got plenty of beer and being able to travel anywhere in history sounds like a right laugh. Think of all the classic gigs and football games you can go to. Plus all the bets you can win. Happy days!’

“Cracking open his beer and taking a swig, Poe said, ‘I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that. I fall asleep and have no idea in what era I’ll wake up. Sometimes I can stay in one time period for decades. I once had to endure five years in the Palaeolithic era. A man of my taste and character. Can you imagine? Nothing to read, nothing to drink, and only raw meat to eat! The table conversation was so uncivilised, and as for the women! Please don’t talk to me about those neanderthals!’

“‘As for this era, I have been here but a few weeks and already it sits ill at ease with my constitution. There is little of substance in these brightly lit shadows you call the modern world. You people wander like wraiths through a place that has little meaning and even less magic. You are the ghosts of noble civilisations and in your vapid hunger for trinkets and tat, are completely unaware of the greatness and wonder you have lost. No sir, I wish to fall asleep and never see this time again. It is not for me or my ilk.’”

Turnip explained, “As Big Tony nodded thoughtfully, pretending to understand old Poe, I was wondering how a time lord could be so damned miserable. None of the Doctor Who’s ever acted like this. Not even the more moody and uptight ones. The whole of time was his plaything, and here he was crying into his can of beer.

“I decided to take the bull by the horns and offer to carry his burden for him. ‘If you want?’ I said. ‘I can lessen your load and become the new incarnation of the time lord. Kind of like they do in Doctor Who.’

“‘Doctor who?’ Said Poe

“‘Yes!’ I said. ‘Doctor Who. Kind of like when they regenerate.’

“‘Who is this doctor?’

“‘He’s Doctor Who’ I said, feeling a bit foolish. ’That’s not the point, though. The point I’m making is that I’m willing to take the responsibility of bringing a time lord off your weary shoulders and let you go back to your own time and live a little.’

“‘In my time I die.’ Said Poe.

“‘All men die!” I announced solemnly. ‘But not all men live,’ I added, whilst vaguely wondering what movie I had stolen it from.

“‘I will finally know the rest I crave?’ Mused Poe. ‘I will finally be able to step outside of time, embrace eternity and look into the face of god?’

“‘You betcha!’ I said with growing impatience. ‘Now how does this time-travelling malarkey actually work?’”

To be continued…..