AN Abergavenny man has made the unusual claim that he and his friends had to fight off a gang of unruly leprechauns who were sent to “harass and coerce” him by none other than Donald Trump.

If, and it’s a big if, the President of the United States of America wanted to silence a potential threat to the status quo, surely, he’d send around some goons from the CIA, or maybe even a couple of agents from the fabled Men In Black?

Surely not even Trump would use a gang of supernatural thugs to do his dirty work?

“In a sane and rational world, you’d like to think the commander-in-chief of the most powerful country in the world would be above using leprechauns to silence those who present a threat to his rule,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“Yet I know exactly what attacked me and the boys on the streets of New York that night, and let me tell you something for nothing, they had big beards, squeaky voices, green suits, stunk of whiskey, and were knee high. I know a leprechaun when I see one.”

Turnip recalls, “The little bastards crept up on us slowly as me, Big Tony, and Puerto Rico were busy doing a spot of male bonding. Before we knew it, they had formed a circle around us. There were about eight of them, and even if they were six-footers, that’s good odds for a fighting man like Big Tony, but they were only tiny, so we weren’t too bothered.

“To top it off, they were all wearing those red baseball hats with ‘Team Trump’ emblazoned upon them.

“They just stood there for a while trying to intimidate us by scowling, and then they began to chant something, but we couldn’t make head or tail of it.

“I don’t know if your readers have ever heard a leprechaun speak, let alone sing, but they’re pretty hard to understand. A bit like Brad Pitt’s character in that film ’Snatch’, but with an added supernatural edge.

“Anyhow, one of them points at me, and his face goes that sort of life-threatening purple shade that alcoholics get when they’re stressed and he screams in a high-pitched rage, ‘This is your first and last warning, Turnip. Leave this land, go home, and forget all about pots of fairy gold. It will not go well for you if you continue on this foolish quest. The President’s patience is wearing thin.'

“Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Big Tony adopting the sort of stance that suggests he’s getting ready for a bit of aggro. Not wishing to see any of these funny little guys kicked into the heavens like a football, I try to defuse the situation by saying, ‘Come now, fellas. Life, and your good selves, are far too short for such hostility. I’m sure we can work something out.’

“‘It’s too late for that!’ Screamed the lead leprechaun guy. Before adding, ‘Give up the gold and leave this country or face the consequences.’

“Me and the boys looked at one another, shrugged, and reached an understanding. I turned to the little fella and said, ‘We’ll face the consequences, mate. Will they take long?’

“Letting out an unholy roar, the leprechaun jumped up with amazing agility, a bit like a rat, and almost put his nut square on my face. However, Big Tony has the sort of reflexes refined through a lifetime of dealing with nutters in pubs, and before the leprechaun’s skull could burst my nose, Tony effortlessly caught him in mid-flight with one arm and then sort of used him like a cricket bat to sort out the others.

“It wasn't nice to watch and painfully humiliating for the leprechauns. Yet it was soon over and their egos were bruised more than their bones as they skulked into the shadows.

“‘Christ!’ Exclaimed Puerto Rico Paul as he casually lit a cigarette. ‘What was their problem?’

“‘Us Paul, us!’ I sighed solemnly. ‘To those little uptight fun sponges, we represent freedom, hope, and the promise of a better world.’

“Paul looked at me in disbelief and said, ‘Obvs JT! Meanwhile, Big Tony went all Clint Eastwood as he studied the New York night and said, ‘They won’t take this lying down. We got lucky with the element of surprise, but they’ll regroup and return. We should leave.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that as they jumped into a yellow cab and the driver asked them where they were going, they had no idea, until he remembered what the Oracle on the Island of No Return had told him, “‘Head to the Plaza in Central Park South and ask for Angel Eyes. Tell him the tortoise sent you, and that’ll get you an audience.”

Turnip explained, ‘When I told the driver to take us to the Plaza in Central Park South, he looked a bit doubtful and said, ‘Sure you guys can afford a room there? No offence, but you sure as hell don’t look like high rollers!’

“‘What if I told you there was half-a-mil in used dollars in this battered briefcase!’ I asked him, holding up the bag of money that my mate Tom Cruise had left us to help finance our quest to find Potato Creek Johnny’s fabled pot of fairy gold.

“‘I’d say you’d better your mouth shut and sharpish, Kapeesh?!’ Said the cabbie. ‘There are a lot of people in this city who’ll do all manner of terrible things to a stranger carrying that sort of cash.’

"‘Fair enough!’ I replied. ‘But money talks and it’ll get us a room at the Plaza, tracksuit bottoms or not.’”

Turnip explained that as they rode through the Big Apple feeling like the three horsemen of, if not the apocalypse, at least Abergavenny, he thought back to what the Oracle of the Cursed Shores had told him in the Far-Flung Lands about seeking the help of the one they called the Fitz.

Turnip told the Chronicle, “As the cab roared deeper into the New York night, and the driver started banging on about Frank Sinatra, I wondered to myself, ‘Who is this Fitz?' Who is this one the tortoise referred to as ‘Angel Eyes’, and how could he help us fulfil our quest?

“Looking back, I realised whoever I thought he might be, was nothing compared to who we found he was when we arrived at the Plaza!”

The Manifest Trials And Tribulations Of Johnny Turnip is now available on Amazon.